This was written over a year ago from a series I did on parents and youth ministry.
Of the many things I hear, this one never makes any sense to me. I realize as parents you have to discipline your children, and one of those ways is to ground them. For some it’s taking away the phone, TV or computer, but grounding them from youth group is another story, and one that confuses me.
In my early years of ministry, one of my teens needed to be disciplined, so their parents grounded them from certain activities. However, this teen continued to use her cell phone everywhere she went until smoke rose from its antenna. She also attended her homecoming dance and football game, and was online chatting with her friends every night. The following Friday evening when she did not show up for youth group I was curious, she was one of our most faithful attendees never missing a night unless she was sick, and even that was rare. That Sunday I told her we all missed her and I asked her if everything was alright. “Oh…my parents grounded me from hanging out with my friends and coming to youth group.” Needless to say I was confused. I understand grounding your child, but I don’t understand grounding them from coming to church.
I sometimes think the church today looks at the youth group as a social club, a place where those “unruly, destructive and dangerous youth” go to hang out. But in the youth groups I have had the opportunity to lead that was not the case. I strive to build a youth ministry on godly principles and purpose. And it’s our job as leaders to show, not just tell, the church what the youth group is doing and why. I don’t agree when a parent grounds their teen from coming to church or youth group, but still allows other luxuries of life. But as you read, I was reminded I am not the parent.
My curiosity got the best of me as I made my way to her parents to ask them what had happened to cause them to ground her. The father told me, “We received her report card and she got two D’s. Her mother and I are not happy. So we have grounded her for the month so she can focus on her school work and improve her grades.” Here is where I opened up my mouth and inserted my foot. I replied, “But you have grounded her from youth group, yet I see her on the cell phone all the time. It’s like she has it surgically attached to her ear. She is online every night chatting with her friends and she’s been telling all the youth about homecoming this past weekend. I’m not sure, but in my day when I was grounded it felt like jail, not a country club. I don’t agree that she should be kept from youth group or church activities.” Though what I said made sense and seemed valid, it was not the right approach or wording. The father looked at me like he wanted to hang me. He responded, “Last I looked, Brian, you’re not her parent! We decide what is right for our child!” He had a point and was right. He is the parent and they do decide. But did I have a point? Does the grounding make sense to you? To this day when a parent grounds their teen from coming to youth group, but still allows them to attend school functions; use the phone, computer or TV it does not make sense.
I learned from that experience to take a different approach and choose my words carefully, instead of questioning the parent’s authority and decision I challenge and encourage them.
When voicing what is on your heart, sometimes we need to step back for a moment, ask for God’s guidance and His words to speak through us. Then regroup and approach the situation from a different angle. As youth leaders we need to remember that we are not the parents even though we may not agree with some of their decisions, and they may even seem crazy. We also need to remember we don’t always make right decisions, as I learned from this experience in how I responded to the teen’s father.
Yeah this one time I was grounded from youth group.But the main reason was because I was grouded for having someone come over without permission.
By the way I do think my dad choose the right thing to not let me do.
I’m sure you know, it’s not just your youth group and your kids. As a youth leader, I don’t get it either. It’s frustrating to hear they’re grounded and go home later and find them on Myspace! (we’re monitoring you, kids) The youth pastor and I have tried to figure it out. Of course, neither of us has kids but… why would a parent “ground” their child from the possibility of a real encounter with God?
We also have a problem with kids just deciding they’d rather watch TV or play video games and stay home. The parents allow them to decide. Honestly, I’d love to see some of the parents say “Get in the car! You’re going to youth group!” or how about “If you don’t go youth this week, you can’t hang out with your friends this weekend.”? That would be spiritually responsible parenting. But what do I know…
You are correct about the perception. It’s sad but I had the same view of it myself before God called me to the ministry. I thought they were just hanging out. It’s difficult for adults to understand the pressure and lies this generation is falling under. I know, I’m 40 and I had no idea until I became involved a few years ago. How do we get that message across to people who grew up without computers in their bedrooms and virtual lives?
Father God, help us! Open all of our eyes to see how the world wants to destroy our children and take them captive. Father, put out a world wide Amber alert for the lost generation to all true believers in Christ Jesus. In His All-Powerful Name, amen!
Great topic!
[...] “She’s grounded from coming to youth group” Brian’s story of how NOT to respond to a parent who grounds their kid from youth group. [...]
Saw this blog through Tim Schmoyer’s. This has been an issue in my group too. My question is, how do you address this issue on the whole without parents thinking that you’re critiquing their parenting? We have a parent newsletter that goes out quarterly which would be a good venue to address the topic, but still…
I obviously don’t know you, your ministry style, or your church paradigm, but I have to answer your question by saying “it depends.” While I am a pastor to students, I can say with absolute certainty that I would never allow my children to be part of 99% of American student ministries. The main question I would challenge you to ask yourself is, “what am I doing to make sure the parents of my students are so involved in what we’re doing as a ministry that there will be no question about our values, motives, objectives, etc.?” After all, not only are they the parents, they’re also the primary disciplers of their children. What does the ministry environment you have created communicate to your parents? Our student ministry gatherings have an equal amount of parents present as they do students — and as a result, we never have to deal with parents who wonder what’s going on, or with parents that question whether or not they want their children to be a part of what we’re doing. That also places me in a very unique situation where I am now able to pastor the parents as well — they value my exhortation and advice because they see all my cards out on the table…
Just a few thoughts. As I said, I don’t know what you’re doing, so this may be the very thing you have going on and you have a few bad apples… but I just thought I’d throw that out there.
i get grounded for many reason all the time but there are some thing that i soulded get grounded for and half the time its for telling the truth
Nick: Thanks for reading my post as well as leaving a comment. Please forgive me if I seem a little confused by your response. I’m not sure how it ties into what I shared. The purpose of the post is to share an experience I had in my early years of youth ministry (12 years ago) and what I did wrong in my response as well as what I learned from it. It’s a basic “don’t do what I did” type of post.
The issue had nothing to do with the girls parents “questioning whether or not they want their children to be a part of what we’re doing.” It was simply the parents grounding their daughter from youth group but she was permitted to attend school functions with her friends. (doesn’t make sense).
Again, I apologize but I am left confused by your response not sure where you’re going and how it connects with what I shared.
GiGi: your question; how do you address this issue on the whole without parents thinking that you’re critiquing their parenting?
It’s been a number of years since that incident took place and I’ve learned to do the following.
- Communicate the issue with the Sr Pastor. He’s your point man.
- Work towards building relationships with the parents so that your advise won’t sound like criticisms.
- And always remember that no matter what (even when it doesn’t make sense) they are the parents.
Brian:
I apologize for the confusion, I should have been more clear. I was mostly focused on your question, “But did I have a point? Does the grounding make sense to you?”
I understand what you’re saying — it seems like the last place a parent should want to ground their child from is the church… BUT, I think we need to look at that from the perspective of whether or not we are communicating to the parents that their child is actually missing out on something that is helping them spiritually and working to build their character. If it is just an extension of their social life, and one that they really enjoy being a part of but not much else, it might be a good punishment. Don’t get me wrong — 1. I’m not casting stones, just thinking out loud. Like I said, I don’t know what goes on in your church, so I can’t answer this for you. 2. I would prefer the phone and the computer over the goings on at church, but if we create an environment that says to parents “you’re not welcome here and our primary goal is just to have a really, really good time”, then grounding them from certain gatherings might be hitting their child where it hurts the most, namely in the entertainment/social aspect of their weekly teenage life. Grounding a teenager from 2 hours of games, movies, food, and motivational speaking has a lot more bang for the buck over and above grounding them from the computer or sending them to their room for the week… but if that 2 hours is transformed into a focused time of teaching, discipleship, prayer, worship, and parental involvement without a bunch of entertaining hype, most parents aren’t going to consider that a valid thing to ground their kids from — in fact, they’ll make sure they’re there.
Does that make any sense?!
Nick – Thanks for clarifying. I know what you’re saying and agree totally. I appreciate your thoughts and input.