Definition of listen – To make an effort to hear something; to pay attention
Over the past several months I’ve been burdened with whether or not we (adults) are really listening to teens or whether teens are not communicating enough. This burden came shortly after speaking at a retreat where several students approached me during the weekend to discuss something they were struggling with. While each differed in their questions and/ or problems the one common factor between them was when I asked; “So have you also discussed this with your youth leader or parent?” A majority of the students, ranging from different youth groups, replied with; “I sometimes feel adults aren’t listening to me or don’t understand.”
Freud learned that to understand and effectively treat a patient, a doctor has to listen to his patients. For us to effectively minister to our students, we need to make an effort to hear what they are saying. Truly listening to what teens have to say may be one of the most important elements in youth ministry. So often, teens feel unheard or dismissed. Those adults who give teens their full attention, and listen without judgment or interruption, will find that teens will seek them out. But, is the problem solely on adults not listening or are teens not communicating clearly?
I interviewed some teens and asked questions pertaining to adults and communication. One of those questions:
Do you feel adults are good listeners and understand the struggles teens are facing?
More than half of the students answered that they CAN share with adults openly. The other half stated they feel adults listen but don’t understand.
“I think they listen but don’t really put much thought into what they are hearing from some of us, and listening AND understanding can make a big difference.” – Kelsey
Communication is key in building relationships with teens, but how we communicate is even more important. Sometimes during a conversation, it is important to make sure we understood what was said. Remember the game telephone? Someone whispers something in the person’s ear next to them, and it moves down the line until the last person says it out loud. It never is the same as the original. If we learn to ask the right questions, then we’ll avoid miscommunication and misunderstanding.
So what are some ways to improve our communication with teens?
Sharing our own experiences – Talk about a problem or challenge you faced that may be similar to the struggle they are facing. Ask their opinion on the problem you faced. They will feel you respect and trust them, and their advice may just be sensible. When you share your own experience they are more likely to open up, talk about their struggles and will feel you understand. Remember that teens don’t want to be questioned all the time.
Be interested – Teens can tell if you’re not interested or paying attention to their conversation. Sometimes they catch us at a bad time, but it doesn’t mean we ignore or forget them. We need to acknowledge their need to communicate, promise them we’ll get back to them, and KEEP our promise.
“I don’t know” is okay – It is ok to say “I don’t know”, but follow it with “Let’s find out together.” We don’t have all the answers and we shouldn’t pretend that we do as this will definitely cause misunderstanding.
Be real – Teenagers can spot a fake a mile away. If you have a hidden agenda for communicating with them you WILL lose them. Teens need for us to be genuine, really listen and understand.
Respect their opinions – Just because they are teens and may not have as much life experience as you, it does not mean that they do not have valid opinions. Respect their opinions, don’t brush them off.
Be a willing listener – My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry – James 1:19
Hear them out – He who answers before listening, that is his folly and his shame. – Proverbs 18:13
So what would happen when both adults and teens really listen and understand? How will it affect the spiritual growth of our youth ministries?
For the past several weeks I’ve been working on a project for an upcoming blog series and the results have impressed me, but I can’t say the results have surprised me. I interviewed a group of teenagers from across the country on the subjects of church, youth group, Jesus and their faith. I asked them to be completely candid and honest and that’s exactly what I got. As I’ve read through the interview questions and answers my mind has been nagged with one single thought; “it’s time our students become the church instead of just showing up for church.”
One of the questions I asked was; “If there is one thing you could change about your church or youth group what would it be and why?” The answer Elizabeth gave me was bold, honest, and impressive and needed to be said.
“I’d want to change the fact that everyone focuses on what adults can do and never really on what the youth can do. Like, I know the sermon is more for the adults, but the pastors could at least put something in there that us youth can understand. They say you need to listen in church but it’s sorta hard when you can’t relate to anything the pastor is talking about.” – Elizabeth
I’m so excited about this upcoming series of articles I wish I could publish it all now, but the answers I’ve been receiving deserve in-depth thought, pondering & prayer. What would happen if we begin to structure youth ministry completely on scripture, the Holy Spirit and the voice (hearts) of our students? What would happen if we really listened?
To be continued…
*This is a repost of an article I wrote in 2008. It’s just one reminder why I do youth missions.
Ask me what the TIMS (Teens in Missionary Service) program is all about and I’ll introduce to Mary. I had the chance to meet Mary two weeks before the first TIMS group arrived at CRC. She’s an elderly woman, a widow, a cancer survivor, a loner, and…homeless. I was not really prepared for what I was going to see when I arrived at what she called home.
Mary lives in a camper. You know…the kind you and I would use for family vacations, RV weekends, or hunting trips. Surrounding her camper is five acres of woods with a narrow muddy driveway leading to her home. She has no septic system, water is drawn from a hose leading from her well, and her dining room consists of a small folding camping table with built-in benches. On her property stood a small 24′ x 20′ shell of a house. Mary had put her trust in a man that told her he could build her a home, but once we took a look at what this “contractor” had built we knew something was not right.
A floor was poured and roughly leveled off with foot prints permanently imbedded into the concrete. The only support holding up the outer walls was a tie strap, loosely fit. The dry wall that had been hung on the ceiling had rough edges as if it was cut by hand with a dull blade. Though the roof had been shingled it leaked leaving mold on the roughly installed dry wall. The electrical was installed but made for a nightmare, even to an untrained eye like mine. The windows had been installed upside down and wrong side in..or was it out. I can’t remember. Bottom line the windows had been damaged in the weather due to their improper installation. I could share so much more about the condition of Mary’s home and lifestyle, but it would take more words then I have room to write.
During the first week of TIMS this summer, Carlisle BIC brought their junior high youth group along with several adult volunteers. Just the week before we had the chance to not only fill them in on Mary’s condition, but also show them, and by the time the week got started Carlisle came well prepared. Mary’s poorly built shell of a house was gutted by Saturday, new floor built and roof repaired by Monday, walls framed by Wednesday, plumbing fixed and new windows installed by Thursday, and the electrical, some dry wall and siding done by Friday. As the teens and leaders sat around the campfire Friday night reflecting and sharing about their week they had come to realize that a group of junior high teens and adult volunteers had built a house. Something myself and the CRC staff didn’t even imagine would happen.
How did it all happen? It happened because of the hearts of each person committed to serving Jesus, sharing Jesus, and showing love to Mary. In John 13:34-35 Jesus tells us; “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this all men will know that you are my disciple, if you love one another.” Loving others is more than warm fuzzy feelings. It’s an attitude that shows through our actions when we truly love others, it shows we belong to Jesus, and it shows that our love for them is based on Jesus’ sacrificial love for us.
It also took men like Chuck, Rodney, Greg, Dan, Jamie, JP, Doug and Corby using their skills in the area of home construction. It took the donation of material resources and money. And it’s continuing this week as the Manheim BIC Junior High teens pick up and finish the job so many others have started.
But it doesn’t stop there. Something else happened, something bigger than building a house. Through the hearts and extreme faith of every person that week Mary gave me an answer to a question we had all been asking her; “why is everyone here Mary?” We’ll never forget her reply; “God used every person here this week to show me Jesus. Now I need to get to know him.” The T.I.M.S. program is meeting the physical needs, but its priority is the spiritual needs of people right in our own backyard. It’s about furthering the Kingdom of God by sharing the truth of the gospel.
Now that’s what I call an extreme makeover!
